I have always had a fear of debt. When my parents fought it was about money. It happened so often that I had nightmares of it. I am afraid of it, and I still am. My worst fear became my reality, I owe money. It keeps me up at night, and stresses me out. With each new bill I am reminded of how little I have, and how I have to find a way to make more. Each day I get older I wonder if I will have enough, or if fighting at this point is even worth it.
Every step feels like a failure. We recently had to shell out 560 for medical bills, and 1500 for vehicle repairs all in one week. We blew our savings, and canceled our vacation. We still have another 200 in medical coming up. We are strapped, and tired.
When it gets bad like this I cope by watching 30 Rock. I have watched every episode at least three times, and its how I calm down. I can sit back and hypnotize myself letting all the worry leave me, but recently something clicked. In the episode, Into the Crevasse, Jack details a story of him mountain climbing. He states how he is cut off from the group becoming stranded. He details to Liz Lemon how he had to dig deeper to get out of the situation. He using this strategy to help out his company from going under, and Liz uses it to get Tracy out of her hair.
Sometimes the way up is down. So, yeah things are hard for me right now. I don’t get to go on a vacation I spent months saving up for. Instead I stay behind to fight for my life. That’s ok, because tomorrow I’ll still be around. Tomorrow I will get up, and keep on fighting. Tomorrow I will dive deeper searching for the bottom. When I find it, I can begin to crawl back up.
Peaks and valleys. That’s all that life is. It gets great, and then it gets worse. Yet once you hit the low part then the good part comes. It’s a cycle, and each cycle offers the chance to learn from. Every peak is a time of joyfulness, and mindfulness. A chance to be thankful for all that is. Every valley is a time of work, and perseverance. It’s a time for reflection and to remember the good in the world, the good that we have experienced.
I have to say I might be in the valley right now, but things will get better. I will learn, and I will grow into something better. Tomorrow I will be the best Felix yet as long as I am willing to try. Willing to keep on looking up for that sky that I have seen a million times before. The world around me is still beautiful even in the valley.
Today I sat outside fishing with my wife. We casted our rods out in the park as the sun set was lighting up the world around us. Everything became still as people walked their dogs, and the breeze flowed. I was happy that my family was together in Oklahoma even if I had to stay home. I thanked God for it all, even the bad because it can be so much worse. Be thankful because it can always get worse.
Part of climbing out of the pit involves letting go of the constant struggle. Letting go of the intense pain that overflows the body creating the fear that all is lost. It’s not easy, and it takes practice to learn how to stop ahead of the pain. Redirecting myself that all is not lost, and that this is a struggle. Each day in the struggle that I overcome my skin gets thicker, and my life get better.
Sometimes we have to climb down . Sometimes we have to embrace the pain. We do these things in the valley to get better. Don’t hasten to the peak, but seek to find the world around you. Enjoy the valley as much as the peak. Enjoy what is given, and what is taken. Life is supposed to be fun but also a journey.
Can you think of something you learned when you were in the valley?