Failing Forward an Ode to the Times I Suck

The most cliché thing I love to repeat is “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” All my life I have made plans, and they have never been fulfilled. I’ve given up, honestly I have, and I am letting go of all worry. What is the point anymore? Since I was a child I had this huge plan about where I was going to go, and what I was going to do. There was a perfect outline of events that would create the perfect life. I worked hard every step of the way only to find that the door I was searching for was always closed to me. It wasn’t part of my journey no matter how badly I wanted in.

This has to be relatable to other people. I don’t think I have ever met someone who has said, “Oh yeah, everything I ever wanted came out just as planned.” There is just too much going on for anyone to completely succeed at everything they set out to do. I wanted a completely different life than the one got. Planning was dumb, I was blinded by ambition, and a need to succeed that I never learned a single thing about myself.

I hit my head against a wall fighting for my “dream job” while living in this fantasy that if I don’t give up then I will get what I have always wanted (For some people this works). Giving up has honestly been the best choice for me. I stopped planning. I’ve stopped worrying because how the hell am I suppose to know what tomorrow will bring when I can barely control today. I still have wants, and dreams. I make achievable goals for that, but I’m over creating a five or ten year plan.

God will provide, and I sincerely believe that. Now I’m not trying to proselytize here, but can you say that all those nights spent worrying turned up anything besides bad dreams with upset stomachs? After dealing with one client’s crisis to the next, staying up late at night trying to plan out the perfect situation to get them the most help, I learned it all works out in the end. Maybe not for the best, maybe even to a decompensated state. However, the crisis is over, and they grow from it. They can rebuild.

I failed at everything. I pushed so hard to be let down. I sacrificed everything I had for what I wanted to do, and was crushed for years when I learned I couldn’t do it. I was physically unable to. Yet I persisted, and fought more. I dug myself deeper, and deeper believing in this dream. I had no idea that I would be where I am today, but I am better off for it. I learned to rebuild, and I built the life I have now. With help of course from my religion, my wife (pictured above beautiful as ever), and my family especially my mother.

Life isn’t always pretty, and I understand there are powerful forces at play in people’s lives that cause harm. All I am suggesting is that for all the hours I spent hunched over begging God for help, could have been spent thanking him it’s not worse. Instead of feeling sick and being restless I could have been asleep or enjoying the limited time I have here in life.

That’s what it boils down to, 75 years (If I am lucky) of life. Already 25 have been spent, and a third will go to sleep. More to work, cooking, traffic, and chores. All told I only have maybe 5 years left of time that I get to enjoy. If that time is spent worrying about tomorrow I won’t get to write cool things, love on my wife, and take stupid photos.

Tomorrow I will wake up. I will walk to work with the sun shining down on my face. At work I will speak with clients, and help solve their issues. During lunch I will eat, and work on some more content to publish working on the things I enjoy. I will finish my day at work, and go home. I will play D&D with my friends, and wife. I will cook dinner with my wife. That is my plan, and that is as far as I will go. An infinite amount of things (good or bad) can happen between then and now. I choose not to worry because I cannot know what tomorrow will bring. I will take whatever life gives me, and work with what I have.

Each time I failed I learned, and moved forward. So here is to us, the imperfect, the broken, and the rebuilders. To those who have given up on waiting for life, and making plans for tomorrow. Be here today, and laugh with God about plans made.

What is something you spent time worrying about? Did your life’s plan turn out the way you wanted it to?

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